Jolly Brewers, 39-41 Clifton Road

Visited September 18th, 2008 by Malcolm & Raymond

Our blog has been inactive for the last 2 weeks due to Ray being on holiday,with his family,in Costa del Rain,otherwise known as Hampshire.
“I’m dying for a pint and a blokey chat” said our holiday-maker as I opened the door to him.”Have we got far to walk today?”
“We’re off to another pub in Clifton Road-you know the road that the Clifton Arms is in”,said I.
“Oh my god,that doesn’t sound promising.I don’t expect I’ll be able to buy my smoked salmon sandwich there,will I?” said Ray with a sorrowful look.
“You’ll be lucky to get any food there,I bet”I replied.

Location:
Jolly Brewers 39-41 Clifton Road Worthing, south of the roundabout at the Worthing Central level crossing – “Jolly”, there’s very little here to be jolly about!
 
Drink: Surprisingly enough, we enjoyed our pints of nicely chilled John Smiths, all the other ales were off. You’d be a happy bunny here, if you were a lager lover. The guv’nor came over and asked Malcolm (thinking he was a regular) what ale he preferred to drink – remember, Malcolm is always on hand to give advice!
 
Food: No food. The proprietor assured us that in two weeks you will be able to enjoy a home cooked Sunday lunch here – and pigs might fly!
 
Staff: There was only the proprietor, he had taken over the pub the previous day – obviously a footie fan, he had men busy fixing the wide screen TV, whilst the pub itself was almost dry of bloody ale!
 
Service: Very friendly – we were served straight away and he pulled a great pint!
 
Clientele: A young blonde brewery rep dressed in black walked in – she looked very doable!
An old chap sat at the bar, bedraggled and in obvious ill health – but could still sup his pint, the pub was his life!
I felt sure that most of the young blokes here were showing signs of – monosyllabic syndrome!
Some young women arrived in tight jeans, piercings, tattoos and fluffy boots, probably on the game – pub must have had a red light in the window!
 
Atmosphere/
Ambiance:		 Dead when we arrived, but slowly livened up – the young low-life took over!
 
Decor: All very drab, it needs a complete refurbishment – we felt as though everything was slowly decaying around us!
 
Music: Not today, maybe in the future – a little bit of spoon tapping would have been better than nothing!
 
Beer Garden/
Childrens Play Area:		 Enclosed, had the usual seating, felt uninviting – probably only used by smoking fraternity!
 
Parking: Double yellow lines down this road, but the pub does have it’s own car park – you might struggle to get a bay, full up with painter/decorator vans, all working on the pub!
 
Toilets: Diabolical, it had full-length urinals, I’ve not seen since being caught smoking in my old school bogs. Malcolm struck up a conversation with a bloke in the loo (no change there then) – the old chap said, “Start of a new era, let’s hope it’s a good one!” Probably thinks now it’s under new management he will be given a pint glass instead of the usual plastic cup!
 
Disabled Accessibility: All on one level, spotted a ramp between the two bars – attach a motor to your wheelchair, you’ll need it to get out faster than you got in!
 
Kerb-side Appeal: Brick built, rectangular building, plain and uninteresting – looks like a small engineering factory that’s gone into liquidation!
 
Overall Rating: 4/10
 
Would We Return?: No thanks, no ales, no food, no nothing – once was enough!
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The Jack Horner, 80 High Street

Visited August 21st, 2008 by Malcolm & Raymond

Well, we’ve had to break our own rules today by visiting the the Jack Horner (closed at lunchtime) at 2.00pm. This is our first ever visit to a gay pub and we’re naturally a little worried.
Will we be asked if we’re gay? Will we get chatted up? What will we do if we are? - hundreds of questions going through our mind!
Ray rings my doorbell and I immediately notice that he’s wearing jeans and a long-sleeve shirt and not his usual shorts and T-shirt. He’s also got a bead of sweat on his brow.
“Not wearing shorts today, Ray?”
“No bloody way” puffs Ray.
As we approach the pub I remind Ray not to order a Campari and soda and to speak in a gruff, deep voice. Here we go then…

Location:
The Jack Horner 80 High Street Worthing, next to Waitrose and opposite Lidl supermarket. Used to be called “The Anchor”, recently bought by a gay couple. This pub has a huge following and is Worthing’s only openly gay pub, a hive for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people – no room at the Inn for us straight guys!
We decided to change our clothes, then set off, wanting to blend in, but felt a bit “risqué” in our “chainmail” vests, leather shorts, posing pouch with feature draw-bridge, pink T-shirt and socks with garters, finished off with heavy lace-up leather boots – Malcolm seemed quite at ease with it all, he wears this outfit to golf, but he’s still mystified why they won’t let him in the club house!
Drink: They had “London Gay Pride” and we had the excellent Harveys Best Bitter. We chinked, raised our glasses and toasted “Brighton’s Gay Pride Week” – when in Rome do as the Romans do, bottoms up and all that!
Food: No food,(mind you, there was still a lot of meat on offer) what a relief, so no desserts – we didn’t want to sample their “home made” whipped cream!
Staff: Only one guy, barman/manager, seemed to run his pub with a rod of iron – luckily for us he kept it in his trousers!
Service: Poured a great pint, appeared very friendly – I should have kept the conversation on a “need to know only” basis!
Clientele: Old “Granny Smith” fell in, for her half of cider, wearing a leatherette coat with matching purse. Looked “hot” in her wooly tea-cosy hat and cream booties – she looked as if she was still trying to find Mr. Right, but she won’t find him in here!
I misheard two guys chatting – I thought “he was going down on a bell-end” but Malcolm said “he was going down to Land’s End”.
Some bloke said, “were we interested”,
we said, “no, we had enough upvc double glazing, thanks”!
Another bloke said, “Do you want to shoot one out?”
We said “no, we’ve only just given up clay pigeon shooting!”
Us old gits were somewhat relieved not to have come at 7pm – although I bet a lot of people already had!
Atmosphere/
Ambiance:		 Sadly lacking at this time of the day, only a few people in. If your bored look at their website, they have a wicked photo gallery. As we stepped outside of the pub, people starred at us as if we were part of the gay community, we didn’t know why – I was only carrying pink paper, QXMEN and 3sixty mags under my arm!
Decor: Stained, ripped seating, probably never been cleaned. Walls and ceiling painted in a burgundy, windows looked dirty, probably shafted the window cleaner, because he didn’t come enough. Remember to enjoy free pool here on a Monday. The only act on the small stage was a greyhound trying to sleep in a basket. Glitzy stripes of foil hung down between two large speakers – Malcolm was going to get up and do a turn, but he had forgotten to put on his thong!
Music: They host “open mic nights”, monthly DJ’s, comedy shows, fancy dress parties and karaoke. Played amongst others, The Temptations, Neil Diamond, Elton John, kept playing Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Relax (Don’t Do It) if you want to come – not that anyone needed any encouragement!
Beer Garden/
Childrens Play Area:		 Enclosed garden with decking, funky lighting, seating and heating – just right for “necking on the decking”!
Parking: Situated on a corner, surrounded by double yellow lines, the lines are telling you something – don’t park here just keep going!
Toilets: The toilet’s were rank – just a glorified cesspit for guys chundering in the loos!
Disabled Accessibility: No problem coming in and moving around in here, but there are steps up to the beer garden. Don’t mention rear access around here – you might end up with more than you bargained for!
Kerb-side Appeal: Has a large board outside telling you what’s going on at the pub. Not at all inviting, looks rather shabby from the outside and as you approach, it’s difficult to tell if it’s open or not – remember, that it’s shut until 2pm!
Overall Rating: 3/10
Would We Return?: No, once was enough – but thanks for the experience!
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Ye John Seldon, Salvington Road

Visited August 21st, 2008 by Malcolm & Raymond

“Where are we off to, today?” asked Ray. “Well we’ve got to walk across Broadwater Green, through Offington and along Ashacre Lane to the John Selden in Salvington” said I.
“Isn’t Offington quite posh?” enquired Ray.
“Yeah it is, so we need to be on our best behaviour ‘cos the neighbours will be looking out their windows” I muttered.
“OK, I promise I won’t pee in the hedges on the way back!”, chortled Ray.

Location:
On the corner of Salvington Road and Half Moon Lane. Traditional twin bar pub, close to the town centre and railway station – this is a fantabulous village Inn!
Drink: Splendid array of real ales, fine wines and spirits. Malcolm went for Abbots and I sunk a pint of Tetley – they say it’s the best kept booze in the area and we think their right!
Food: Great combinations of food for their Mexican & Italian nights. Extensive standard menu, a specials board, snack menu, Great British Sandwich Selection. The food is well presented offering man-size portions – fully expected Gordon Ramsay to jump over the bar and say “the food here is f***ing delicious, so f***ing try it!”
Staff: The main barmaid, we’re told, is well known in this area, for all the right reasons. I complimented her on a well presented and well stocked bar. The younger well informed barmaid gave me the lowdown on their spacious function room – just the right place for practicing your line dancing with granny!
Service: We were well looked after by these two barmaids – would have left a tip if it was deemed appropriate!
Clientele: “Mr.Blobby” was there, he was bloody huge, even “High & Mighty” store would have had trouble fitting this guy into his T-shirt and jeans. He was on a bar stool, but you could barely see it. He left quite quickly – I think the “obese police” were in!
Another bloke was doing his “Hells Angels” look-a-like impression, Harley Davison T-shirt, silver studded black belt, black chinos and “All Star” trainers – the original walking mean machine!
“Thunder Thighs” his sidekick, sat next to him, legs the size of tree trunks, she wore body hugging slacks to emphasis her contours – nice, bring it on babe!
A young man was playing the games machine, his view of the screen was partly obscured – his beer-belly had a front row seat!
Atmosphere/
Ambiance:		 Surprisingly not very busy, they should have scattered a few “stiffs” about from the undertakers across the road, may have helped. Mainly ordinary, boring, normal, friendly customers. Why do we have to suffer and associate ourselves with this type of person? – but more importantly they have escaped being written about!
Decor: Lovely saloon bar with beaten copper table tops and comfortable seating. An olde worlde pub full of memorabilia of old Salvington. Stacked full of clutter, nic-nacs and amateur paintings, just the place to televise “Cash in the Attic”. There were two chamber/piss pots on the window ledge, full of delightful summer flowers – our aim was off, we were having difficulty pissing in them, from where we were standing!
Music: Playing the “Big O”, Hot Chocolate, Lionel Richie, to name but a few – I wanted to liven things up a bit, by playing my own sing-a-long CD Roy “Chubby” Brown’s “Jingle B*ll*cks”, but thought better of it!
Beer Garden/
Childrens Play Area:		 Pleasant enough area, wrought iron tables and chairs, secluded – we didn’t stay long, ran out of time!
Parking: Has it’s own ample walled parking – this is where you forgot you’d parked your car before getting yourself “rat-arsed” and caught a taxi home!
Toilets: They were quite acceptable, except, there was a sign on the cubical door saying “EXPLOSIVE GAS” – I guess, “Mr.Blobby” had been in there on a previous occasion!
Disabled Accessibility: No issues, could move around quite easily – but there again, I’m not in a wheelchair, - yet!
Kerb-side Appeal: Eye-catching, on a prominent corner position, all painted in white with stylist signage – remember, it’s location, location, location, that counts!
Overall Rating: 8.5/10
Would We Return?: Yes, we were quite impressed with this pub, next time we will lunge at the main door, now we know it sticks – we thought the pub was closed!
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